


God of Atheism

by Rago_Dragovian



Category: Shin Megami Tensei Series, Shin Megami Tensei: Nocturne, 真女神転生IV FINAL | Shin Megami Tensei IV: Apocalypse, 真女神転生IV | Shin Megami Tensei IV
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Psychological Horror
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-17
Updated: 2021-02-17
Packaged: 2021-03-12 04:01:25
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,731
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29503806
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rago_Dragovian/pseuds/Rago_Dragovian
Summary: Before making his choice between Bonds and Anarchy, Nanashi found himself in the Expanse helping the other Messiahs find their way back into their own worlds. Demi-fiend gives his perspective on why he chose to join Lucifer and Nanashi is forced to evaluate the costs of well meaning friendship against what is best for the long-term survival of the universe itself.
Relationships: Nanashi/Toki (Shin Megami Tensei)
Kudos: 4





	1. Demi-fiend's Introspection

Six times he remembered, six times his world shattered, six times he endured, six times he faltered. In the end, all he wished to know was…why?

Delirious. That would be the word to describe himself.

The world had ended in a bright flash, a pair of deranged lunatics had put a parasite within him, and it would be a long time before he would be able to register anything beyond the pain.

Once he awoke, he was far too much in shock to acknowledge the changes within his body. Upon cogitating over it later, Naoki realized how ridiculous it was to act so nonchalant about his body growing a horn and shaman-like tattoos. However, despite the pain, he had felt _good._ And, honestly, he had more pressing concerns at the time. The world had been destroyed, by his beloved teacher Ms. Takao and some corrupt psychopathic CEO, and he had no idea what happened to his friends.

Meeting the occult journalist had relaxed Naoki. After all, if this random stranger was alive then surely there were other survivors? Perhaps God had intervened on behalf of more people? Surely, this Kagutsuchi wasn't God. God would never condone the mass slaughter of the entire world, right?

Naoki felt no sense of urgency as he got through the obstacles in the hospital. All he felt was a strong sense of surrealism and detachment. Perhaps the demon within his body was already affecting his emotional state or perhaps he felt overwhelmed by it all. Once he finally defeated Forneus and escaped the hospital, a dull ache manifested itself within him. He didn't even pay attention to that dipshit old lady or her blond brat. He had more important things to worry about … like trying to find his way home and somehow wake-up from this nightmare.

He told the annoying Pixie to leave him be. He had no desire to spend time with demons for longer than he had to. He went to Shibuya and found Chiaki there. At first, Naoki grew hopeful but it was short-lived. Chiaki explained that everything – including their homes – were gone. She had checked herself. Having realized the Conception had occurred, they went their separate ways to find out if Isamu or their teacher survived. Naoki wasn't stupid, he could tell that Chiaki was wary of his new physical state and he honestly couldn't blame her. He would have done the same in her position.

Learning of the Amala Network, whats-his-name sent him to Ginza. He learned of Hikawa and "The Maiden's" plans. Naoki felt disgusted that his teacher would join with some deranged lunatic to plot the end of the world… and succeed at that! Disgust and revulsion raised itself.

Naoki set his sights on going to Ikebukuro. A human had been seen there. Upon meeting the Manikins, he was forced to steal from the God of trickery, and got passed to make his way to Ikebukuro unheeded. Once there, he just barely survived the brutal assault by the Oni guard and limped his way to the healing fountain.

Upon illegally entering the premises of the Mantra Headquarters, he witnessed Thor brutally assault Isamu and was imprisoned. Waking up a few days later, Naoki's bars were raised and he was informed that he would partake in a gladiator-like trial of judgment. He found Isamu in one of the other jail cells sulking and made his way to the trial. The combat was fierce and harrowing. Naoki barely had enough strength for Thor's surprise battle but managed to gain his approval without showing weakness outwardly.

Once released, he struggled not to limp his way back to the fountain and hefted himself up a long floor of stairs to finally meet Gozu-Tennoh, leader of the Mantra. Gozu-Tennoh promised power and privilege. He gave Naoki a bit of his strength to coerce him. Naoki realized the demon was trying to make him feel indebted to him. He politely said that he wasn't sure yet. Gozu-Tennoh was angered but allowed him to see the Assembly of Nihilo to remind him of how the Mantra dealt with their opposition.

Persevering through the long-winded dungeon and meeting with Hikawa proved informative. He refused to tell Naoki what happened to Ms. Takao but told him of the true power of Magatsuchi and then demonstrated it by annihilating Ikebukuro in one mighty blast. He proclaimed that this was all a test from God to create a new world. Naoki felt absolutely sickened when realizing that faith in God was what led to this abominable world. But what religion didn't speak of the end of the world?

Ose lurched itself at him. The distraction was easily dealt with but Hikawa had escaped. Naoki felt frustrated and angry. He needed more answers! He needed to find Ms. Takao! He needed help! Why wasn't there anyone here to help him in this worthless world? Were there truly no other humans left besides Hijiri, Isamu, Chiaki, Hikawa, and presumably his teacher? What about his family? What about his other classmates who he didn't remember quite so well anymore? What about the rest of human society!? Wasn't Tokyo filled with people? Why hadn't anyone else survived when Tokyo's landscape remained?! Naoki felt a sick feeling swell within him.

' _They were all consumed by God'_

Dully, he made it back to Ikebukuro only to see Gozu-Tennoh perish before the might of Hikawa's nightmare system. For whatever reason, Naoki wasn't effected like the demons were and didn't feel his strength draining from within him like the demons. Thor hadn't seemed to be weakened either and they seemed to have parted ways amicably enough. Upon exiting, Thor commented on the general conditions and bid him farewell.

_'Nothing was achieved through their sacrifices'_

Naoki nearly met his death upon facing Devil Hunter Dante. The man toyed with his life and abruptly ended the fight after nearly killing Naoki. Naoki recognized that his abilities didn't give him an edge against other demons. He was a neophyte compared to others as he was now. All he could think about was survival.

He swept through the dark tunnels and fought off one of the Oni who had been dismissed by Thor for theft. He didn't encounter the rest. He felt vertigo through being dazzled by mirror tricks in the former school facility but managed to save Isamu. Isamu's response? To rebuff him and blame him for not coming sooner. What happened to friendship? What happened to being true friends through thick and thin? Naoki realized, as Isamu vanished from his sight, that friends grow, change, and sometimes leave. Such was life . . . any life . . . especially one where harsh circumstances required survival.

He found Asakusa and was rebuffed by Futomimi who essentially told him that certain areas were barred from him because he wasn't part of the Manikin race. Naoki felt annoyed, especially since he had taken the time to track and scare off the cannibalistic manikin Sakahagi.

_Nobody appreciates what I do for them . . . I hate this worthless world. If only there was a way to go back, to restore the world to how it should be._

Hijiri came through and found where his beloved teacher was being held captive. He chased after her, hoping to finally find her. She had promised to be his strength, after all! Surely, she could help him restore the world. He went through the thrice-damned Amala Labyrinth and the damn ghost. He felt touches of vertigo when dealing with the Fate Sisters puzzle and their subsequent attack. He dealt with it all; he was _finally_ able to find her and got her out of the Obelisk binding.

She admitted her personal issues, but spoke of a God who could change everything. Aradia, a wandering God of Freedom, and later when asked questions by Aradia directly, he accepted that he would go through any challenge.

He used this drive for a balanced world to push him through the many gods and demons that he valiantly fought there, even after his teacher being sacrificed.

And finally, he met Kagutsuchi and ignored the God's condemnation of his decision as he defeated Him. And then . . .

In a jarring moment, Naoki looked around his room with the computer on. There was Isamu, no longer a monstrous amalgamation of ghosts, there was Chiaki who was no longer a fusion of two powerful demons, and everything finally returned how it should. Naoki ignored Lucifer's warning. After all, why trust the Devil himself? He didn't understand what that vile being wanted or why he had been given the Magatama. He decided that he didn't care. He'd use the power sparingly and only to prevent his world from dying.

Aradia had become a real goddess! All was well . . .

Naoki visited his teacher with his friends. His teacher finally smiled again, having found her resolve and strength. His friends became even friendlier and everything felt good.

Naoki went to sleep that night the happiest that he had ever been.

And the next day . . .

The very next day, Naoki awoke to hear reports of a massacre in Yoyogi park . . . just like before. _Some sad events probably just didn't change. I can only do so much . . ._

He frowned upon seeing his computer having a strange error on the date listed on his desktop. He decided to reboot it after he visited his teacher in the hospital again; his friends wanted to give their teacher as much support as possible and he had happily agreed. _I want to cherish every moment, now that the nightmare is over._

He got a call from Isamu while on the train; the exact same conversation the first time around. _Some things never change. I guess that he's just always going to be that self-centered. Oh well . . ._

He felt numb as he met Hijiri at Yoyogi Park and was given the occult magazine. _A coincidence . . .the terrible massacre happened, after all._

Finally, he felt a sense of foreboding at Chiaki's annoyance with him while she selfishly grabbed the magazine, he froze upon realizing his friends were having the exact same conversation as the first time, he went to see Hikawa threaten his life again, and his teacher - who didn't remember the previous day or anything about what happened - _Why does she not remember?! -_ and then the dark void destroyed the human world once again; the conception occurred once more.

Only one question drifted in Naoki's mind as Lucifer and the Lady held him down to place the Magatama into his body again.

_Why?_

A voice answered from the ether . . . The voice of the formerly true Goddess . . . The Lady in Black answered his cries:

_Because, little demon, Aradia is the Goddess of Falsehood; she will only give a brief reprieve of false hope before her powers return to nothingness. Your resolve masked your desperation to change back the world in what you perceived to be the norm. Your misconception about freedom and what it means to have a future is what led to falsehood. Know this, the norm is an ongoing change of life itself, even if it means the death of an entire species. Such as it was before humanity, and persists after humanity. You cannot go back and run away from the world's progress. You cannot bring back the world that once was. The Absolute One is against such self-absorbed designs. You must choose a path forward or perish. To stay in the past is to end your own sense of life and choice; an arrogant suicide._

The voice returned to the ether and left Naoki in the lonesome torture of his thoughts. He wept for the world that was once restored and forever doomed to repeat its mistakes . . .

For Human Freedom could never bring anything more than a false reprieve.


	2. Demi-fiend's Parting Knowledge

"Why didn't you just allow yourself to die?" asked Nanashi, a worm of guilt forming in his heart from asking the question. "Why continue, when you have no friends, no world, and nothing really left? Was it revenge? Hate? Did you just begin to blame God for all your problems?"

Demi-fiend looked up at the cubed ceiling of the Diamond realm. He breathed in and then out as his mind seemed to wander. "I . . . just wanted my life to have a purpose. I wanted my struggles to have meaning, instead of accepting the idea . . . that no matter what I did, nothing would matter."

He looked down at Nanashi. His crystal-silver eyes turning a tinge golden in the irises.

"Truthfully, none of that mattered to me anymore. Every time I picked one of the lawful paths of Reason, the curse for choosing the middle path - the freedom for humanity - would activate. A black wave would overtake the remnants of the egg-like world after defeating Kagutsuchi and then, I would wake-up on the train to visit my teacher." said Demi-fiend, he shook his head and his lips curled downward. "No matter what, I would simply wake-up and be forced to redo the cycle over and over. It wasn't until I accepted Lucifer's agreement, and became strong enough to awaken the final power of the Magatama, that I realized that I wasn't actually living in a loop. Rather, the selective memories of my past lives were transferred to me. It felt like an eternal hell, but it wasn't necessarily so in the physical sense. Yahweh's avatar destroyed my peace of mind as punishment. It was mental torture instead of the physical like Hijiri. Even not choosing a path to reshape the world didn't help, Kagutsuchi simply left and I was left to wander an empty world before going through Amala and getting murdered by a bunch of peons who I went easy on because I was just tired of living in that lifetime . . . thousands of years with nothing to live for."

"What about your friends? Your family?" said Nanashi, his voice belaying his desperation. He frowned at the Demi-fiend. "What about . . . protecting your loved ones? Defending the world? Helping humanity?"

"The most tragic part is . . . that only amounts to empty sentimentality. Prolonging the inevitable death to follow. Sometimes, despite the horrendous sacrifice of everything you know and love, you have to make a choice. Sometimes, you can't do anything to change the past." said Demifiend, his voice somber. "You have to decide what is best for you, regardless of what it means for everyone else and what you will be abandoning when you make that breakthrough. Not for any other reason, than because it is the most rational course of action for your personal situation. It isn't right, it isn't fair . . . and they don't deserve that suffering, but that's life. The correct choice isn't the most forgiving or loving option. It's the one that benefits you for your goals. Power is only evil to those who suffer the consequences, but not the burden of the decision-making."

Nanashi glared hard at the floor and shut his eyes to prevent the tears from falling. His fists clenched and his body shaking, ready to collapse on the floor. Demi-fiend walked past him without looking back.

Demi-fiend stopped. He didn't turn to look behind him as he spoke his final words. "Don't forget, no matter what you decide, never look back. Regret, doubt, fear, self-hate or whatever other emotions . . . I've felt it all from being close to Magatsuchi. Don't ever allow your past to decide your future. You, and only you, can ever have the power to draw the line and walk forward. Nobody can do it for you, no one can tell you what the right answer is."

"What . . . what about catharsis?" said Nanashi, wiping his eyes and looking at Demi-fiend. His eyes wide and his cheeks flushed. His breathing became haggard as his chest moved up and down. "What about . . . finding benefit in accepting one's limits? Accepting our humanity by the grace of deities themselves?"

"Catharsis is often the same as self-pity. To speak of not making a choice by parading your limits as a human is just viewing your own humanity in the veneer of self-hatred." said Demi-fiend, shaking his head. He took a deep breath. "It's running away from making a meaningful choice, because you couldn't understand or accept the consequences of the costs that you would incur. I accepted Lucifer's proposal - to end the constant cycle of Law and Chaos - to bring about a new, more meaningful, future. I know I'm destroying the possibility of those currently living in billions of worlds - but if it means that future generations will be free of Yahweh's meddling and no longer be bound to him, then that's more than a fair price. The benefits far outweigh the costs. A new order will rise, without him, and the new humanity and the Chaos deities demonized by that arrogant God will obtain a true future."

Demi-fiend walked out of the room and left Nanashi alone with his own despairing thoughts. Nanashi paced restlessly as he pondered the Demi-fiend's life story. Nanashi recalled Nozomi's words. _You have to make your own path._

Nanashi slammed his fist onto a wall as he growled in anger. _There was never a perfect choice, was there? I knew it, deep down . . . I knew it! But . . . I . . . love them all . . . How can I even be considering this?! Why am I such a piece of shit?!_

Naoki Kashima sighed to himself . He looked forward and walked.

_The Kalpas taught me well,_ thought Naoki, as he walked to the room with Eno no Ozuno and the other Messiahs. _It felt like eons of time and knowledge passed away before I realized. I grew in power and wisdom. Returning back to the same cycle after the sixth time, it felt as if I had experienced several lifetimes go by and then returned to a fleeting past that I could no longer identify with. Perhaps Lucifer did it on purpose or perhaps it's just my personal lamentations, but I will do everything in my power to succeed. I will take down Lucifer and prove that I have the right to be known as the Chaos Lord - the destroyer of the endless Law and Chaos cycle. The dispensation of the universe will be overturned and obliterated._


	3. Nanashi's Ruminations

Nanashi journeyed through the caverns of death, mazes spawning twists and turns that formed their own mazes, as he frowned at his cell phone holstered on his arm. The screen indicating yet another city atop previous ones in what should have been impossible.

_How long did it take the fiends to make this hellish world? Decades? Centuries? Eons?_ thought Nanashi, as he trekked through the landscape. _Each of the caverns subtly different, Red Rider's filled with human blood, another filled with grassy areas, and others with magic . . .all formed in a twisted, dark, and ominous spiral of weird plants making up the furnishings of the walls and the floor tiles. No sunlight . . . no life whatsoever._

Each fiend gave a bored grunt before going into some spiel. Their black hearts were not dedicated to their words. The stench of death permeated throughout the darkened cavernous and sprawling mazes. Nanashi had to redouble his efforts each time and the enemies tested his skills with greater precision, skill, and power behind their attacks for every time that he re-entered after completing Twisted Tokyo. The pale man, a White Shadow from the Expanse, who looked remarkably like Nanashi's own father always there to direct him.

_Death really has no meaning,_ thought Nanashi, as he defeated yet another fiend and went on to the next one. Fully knowing that Twisted Tokyo would reset once he defeated En no Ozuno yet again. _Without life to snuff out, death has no real purpose or element of fear. It's meaningless. Eternity and other such forms of the afterlife is meaningless . . . Death may feel like a solace, but it serves no purpose._

He defeated yet another fiend, his memory no longer fully registering which one since all the battles became too tedious and the sameness too boring to fully keep his attention to it. Nanashi had become so proficient that simply going through the automatic motions learned from trial and error had brought him to such instinctual effectiveness against the random enemies spawning across the dreary landscape and against the fiends. Nothing challenged him; he'd already amassed too much power for their actions to be of any real consequence to him. Nanashi had perfected the motions of thoughtless deeds to the point that he could automatically pinpoint an enemy's weakness and slaughter them nearly instantaneously.

_Even Stephen would be no match for me now,_ thought Nanashi, idly, _En no Ozuno and I have surpassed him by leagues beyond. The only one who could pose any real challenge to me is the Demi-fiend, should be maximize his power and then go further beyond. But neither he or I have any reason to fight, and I'm fairly certain that his existence is eons into the future and in a different timeline than any that versions of myself inhabit. Yet, this power won't remain, if I go back to being human again._

Nanashi once again defeated En no Ozuno after Toki dove at him and slashed him with a litany of physical attacks. En no Ozuno's weakness was easy enough to exploit, Toki's final attack ended his life and Nanashi found himself brought back to his own universe of dystopian Tokyo. The Pale Man, a White Shadow from the Expanse, explained how it would rise again. Nanashi furrowed his brows and sighed. _Is there truly no end to this horrifying world that I try to save?_

"Why does it keep returning?"

The Pale Man gazed at him directly in the eyes. The dead, bloody face of his father gazed at Nanashi with its lifeless and disembodied orbs. "I've already told you, it is because . . . no Messiah ever came to save it. Thus, no matter how often you try, you will be brought forward to after the Fiends wrought destruction and death to end all of life within that world. Each era reviving them anew and stronger than before."

Nanashi blinked and tilted his head. "Which means . . . you've been jettisoning me forward in time for each separate occurrence. This perpetually dead universe must keep being reinvigorated by En no Ozuno and yourself out of pity, it has no hope of an everlasting future . . ."

"Precisely, I am in my most weakened form and must siphon power when I get close to that alternate reality. It is why you see only one of me and not the four generations that I represent in your mind." explained The White Shadow, "Alternatively . . . you could free us from God's plan and destroy the Yamato Perpetual Reactor."

Nanashi snorted. ". . . why was there no Messiah to save that world?"

"That world only had a scant few Messiahs who could reshape their future," explained The White Shadow. "However . . . through ignorance on their part of our teachings, they banded together and sought to free humanity from God's plan."

Nanashi froze at the White Shadow's words. _No . . . surely, it can't be that . . ._

"They believed in the power of the people to change the future; unfortunately for them, people are like headless chickens when there is no political system to keep them under control. They foolishly thought God's world would be theirs once He was eliminated." continued the White Shadow, Nanashi remained silent to listen closely. "Since they did not create a new universe, and their physical bodies were therefore shackled to God, their world was cast into self-destruction by God's plan as we had warned. Once each of them passed on, the Messiahs and their comrades suffered eternal damnation and their world of people bonded with hope fell into disarray and slowly dissolved when faced with calamity after calamity with no future Messiah to save them from the specters of death."

_Wait, so eternal damnation happens if you kill the Creator God without replacing the universe? That's why Demi-fiend and Aleph are damned . . ._ thought Nanashi, _And if this universe is parallel to my own since it's so close and making a dimensional portal, then . . . Walter, Jonathan, Flynn . . . and myself . . . were all damned to eternal suffering after killing YHVH upon our natural deaths. Why were Walter and Jonathan still alive in their universe but not mine? Perhaps that means I can avoid it? Then again, there's too many variables, such as the prospect that while it may seem similar, I'm simply applying our universe's history to an entirely different universe with their own history that could be utterly divergent from anything I know of._

Nanashi stalked off away from the White Shadow. The collective nihilism of humanity vanished to return to the Expanse.

_Still, the general question remains the same . . ._ thought Nanashi, as he walked to the Cosmic Egg. _If the Bonds of friendship and power of humanity are enough to destroy YHVH's plan, then why does Twisted Tokyo even exist? The Messiahs should be a non-factor, but the White Shadow just told me that Twisted Tokyo came about because no messiah was there to save them . . ._

Nanashi stopped abruptly and looked up at the dark wall of the Mikado lands above. The dark walls of Masakado's body had blotted out the sun since before his birth; it was only by Krishna's declaration and Shesha breaking space-time upon being summoned that Nanashi was able to witness the sun and the blue skies for the first time instead of seeing it through old picture books.

_Why is it so difficult . . . for the right course of action to be the most moral?_ thought Nanashi, Demifiend's haunting words echoed in his mind. _I wanted to see the blue skies of Mikado and enjoy sightseeing some more, perhaps even witness the night skies of Mikado. I wanted to enjoy a single day and just lounge about with Asahi by the pond in Mikado. Perhaps invite the rest of them for a nice relaxing get together. No violence, no war between gods and demons . . . just lounging on some nice beach area with none of the bloodshed and worries about personal safety for at least one day in my life . . . Is it so wrong to feel so tired of always being demanded to make sacrifices for others? Is it so wrong to want respite once in a blue moon? Is it . . . wrong to feel so tired of all this? I don't see it going anywhere, nothing I do changes anything for the better . . ._

Nanashi turned his gaze forward and gazed at the Cosmic Egg. _But that's impossible, Asahi's dead and this world is shackled to an arrogant God that created all of this for the sole purpose of toying with our lives. I was so happy the day after I killed Lucifer and Merkabah, the day I was going to celebrate with all my loved ones at a party . . . and then Shesha killed that happiness right in front of me._

Nanashi began to sedately walk to the Cosmic Egg, where the rest of the group awaited. Toki remained silent and by his side as he reminisced on the meaning of his life.

_Why do I feel so helpless and weak, even though I've amassed all this power? What do I want?_ pondered Nanashi, _The correct choice . . . isn't always the most moral choice. I know that. I understand that. I don't want to live in a world of ambiguous meanings where the extremists and the dispossessed who turn power-hungry constantly vie for control of the world's future. But I love my friends; they're the closest thing I have to a family, and this shattered, broken world is the only one I know to be home._

_Why is this up to me? I'm always being pushed down, talked shit to, spat upon, attacked, and ridiculed . . . who am I to judge what's right for the future of the world? Despite my enduring burdens, I'm still only fifteen. Why was I created as a Messiah like the others in those alternate worlds?_ pondered Nanashi, _In the end, I suppose after an event is forced upon you without your consent, it stops mattering and you just have to deal with it. I can't react with a victim mentality, but what do I choose? I . . ._

Nanashi dropped his trail of thinking as he finally arrived where his friends were and the Bonds group headed to the Cosmic Egg. Odin met them at the entrance and Nanashi readied himself.


End file.
